A Better Life
by hlnwst
Summary: Sequel to A Different Life. Santana and Brittany deal with her break down while also preparing for a new addition to their family.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here we go :) A/N's for this story will be short and sweet :)**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2014 be everything you all wish for and more :)**

**I apologise for the long wait. I hope this makes it all worth it ;) It's a short prologue to the first major arc of the story, which follows on from **_**ADL**_**'s last chapter. For those joining the Brittanella fold for the first time, it is advised that you read **_**A Different Life**_** before this :)**

**Still rated M ;)**

**Enjoy!**

**Onwards and up!**

**-H**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(**

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

"_I'm pregnant."_

Brittany froze at her own admission. Internally, she berated herself for letting that information slip.

But those eyes…

Santana's dark brown eyes bore into hers and for long moments, neither of them said anything. Then, slowly, almost as though she was dreaming, Santana stood up and Brittany's heart rate increased tenfold. She couldn't remember the last time they'd stood so close to each other, so close that she could feel the familiar warmth radiating from her wife. The Latina always ran hot and it sent a shiver through Brittany.

"Really?" Santana whispered, her eyes curious and disbelieving.

Brittany sighed and nodded. Santana didn't believe her. She didn't-

The blonde's thought were wiped the second her wife put her arms around her waist and pulled her close. She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

Santana was holding her. Voluntarily holding her. They were hugging. Brittany hated how tears of joy sprang to her eyes immediately. Automatically – her body was hard wired to Santana's – she wrapped her own arms around Santana and reciprocated the embrace.

It was familiar, but at the same time uncomfortable. Brittany could tell that she still didn't have _her_ Santana back. Well, not completely. She could feel the nervous tremors running through her wife's hands as they gently rested on the small of her back. Her Santana would have no nervousness when hugging her. It was natural. Their bodies just melted into one another.

Brittany squeezed her eyes as more tears rolled down her face. She was happy and sad and relieved and angry and frustrated and confused. She didn't know which emotion was stronger. She knew that she should focus on appreciating what Santana was giving her, but a big part of her wanted so much more. She wanted to be selfish and shake Santana until the woman she married – the girl she fell in love with – came back to her. She wanted to hug the crap out of her and kiss her endlessly and spend hours and hours feeling her glorious skin.

God, it had been so long since she'd held Santana, let alone kissed her. She grimaced internally at the last time they'd kissed. Or when Brittany had kissed Santana. It had hurt so much when she'd felt no response. She couldn't even remember any time before that, when she'd kissed Santana and the Latina hadn't responded. Even in high school, when they were still just best friends who had sex, it would take Santana no more than two kisses to greedily respond. Brittany had always felt a little pride – okay, a lot – when Santana reacted like that to her. She knew no one else had ever elicited that kind of reaction.

She wanted to be selfish so badly.

She hated that she couldn't. She almost hated that she loved Santana so damn much that she would always wait for her. No matter how long it took, being in her wife's arms again – no matter how uncomfortable it was – was her home. It was where she belonged. She wouldn't be happy anywhere else. Not truly happy, anyway.

Sometimes it really sucked how much she loved her wife.

But then there were other times when it was the most wonderful thing in the world and, thankfully, those times outweighed any bad times they'd endured. The good times were what Brittany focused on. They were what got her through the bad days. They were what made her get up every morning and just stare at her virtually comatose wife. They were what ensured her love would always remain.

She knew it had to end eventually. Santana pulled back slightly and Brittany kept her head down, trying to will the tears to stop. She still needed to be strong. She had no idea how long Santana's mood would last. It had happened before; sporadic moments of affection, but before Brittany could truly savour them, her Santana was gone and she was left hurt. Again.

"Britt?"

The blonde couldn't stop her head lifting at Santana's gentle murmur of her name. Oh, how she had ached for that sound, for the sound of her wife saying her name with the love she remembered. It set her heart alight.

"Britt, please don't cry," Santana whispered, her hand lifting from Brittany's back to her cheek.

She couldn't help but burst into tears at the sensation of Santana willingly touching her in such a caring way. She had missed it so much, and actually feeling it after so long was overwhelming. Plus, hormones.

"Are you sad?" Santana asked.

Brittany rapidly blinked away the tears. She desperately wanted to stare into the eyes that she'd been dreaming about for seven weeks. She wanted to see the sparkle she remembered. She didn't want to see emptiness. She wanted to see life.

Reluctantly, she released Santana, not moving away from her, and lifted her hands to her eyes, rubbing them clear of tears. Taking a deep breath, her gaze lifted to meet Santana's and her breath caught. Santana was looking at her with the most tender concern. It made her want to cry again.

"I…I…don't know," she eventually replied in a choked voice. "I don't know if this is even real."

Santana swallowed and dropped her eyes guiltily.

"Is this real?" Brittany persisted.

The Latina nodded slowly. "I hope so. I don't want to go back there, Britt. I'm so sorry. I…I let you down."

Brittany didn't respond. She couldn't lie. Santana had let her down. She'd let both her and Bella down.

"Can you forgive me?" Santana whispered.

"I…" She faltered and bit her lip. Santana's hand against her cheek started shaking subtly. Her body reacting before she could stop it, she put her hand over her wife's and their eyes met once more. Brittany could see the deep regret in the dark orbs she loved so much. She swallowed. "I think that we can work towards that, San," she eventually whispered.

"Really?"

Brittany nodded slowly. "But you can't disappear on us again. Seven weeks without you is just…"

"Seven weeks?" Santana whispered, her mouth dropping open. "Was it that long?"

The blonde frowned. "You didn't know?"

"I, uh…I guess I didn't really care." She sighed sadly, her eyes falling downwards. "I'm so sorry, Brittany."

"Santana, look at me, please."

The Latina did so.

"I need you to look me in the eye and promise me that you're going to try really hard not to go back to wherever it is you've been for the last seven weeks. Besides the fact that it hurt Bella and me really badly, you can't just quit living because something bad happened."

Santana nodded. "I know that, I do. I think that part of me knew that this whole time, but the voice…he was just really convincing."

"Voice?" Brittany asked in alarm. Santana was hearing voices?

"Yeah, it was like the devil on my shoulder. You were the angel, but the devil kinda snuffed you out. Or I let him."

"So you let this devil kill me off in our subconscience?"

"Um…shit, I think so? I really don't know, Britt. It's all one big blur. I just…I hated being away from you and Bella, but I was so afraid you'd be mad at me for going away in the first place and the voice made it seem like I would just be better off ignoring you."

Brittany sighed in frustration. "Santana, you've got to understand how ridiculous that sounds. When have I ever not been there for you when you needed me? You _know_ that I would never leave you."

"I know!" Santana cried, breaking away from Brittany and walking towards the dresser. "I know how absolutely unreasonable it sounds, but you have to understand that, in my mind, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time."

Brittany took a step towards her wife. "Santana, what did the counsellor say to you?"

She saw Santana freeze and her fists went white with how tightly she was clenching them. The blonde nodded to herself. She'd discovered the catalyst for Santana's disappearance or depression or whatever the hell she was going through.

"You don't have to tell me now," Brittany murmured, "but I do expect you to at some point."

"Do you…" Santana was shaking again and Brittany wasted no time in walking right up to her and hugging her from behind. It caused a sob to escape from Santana. "Do you still love me, Britt?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Brittany grumbled in irritation.

"Are you still in love with me?" Santana whispered instead.

The blonde paused. She understood why Santana was asking the question that way. She would always love Santana, that much was cast in stone. A lot had happened that could constitute her falling out of love with her and just loving her as a best friend.

But she was Santana.

"Yes, Santana," she said quietly. "I am still in love with you."

Santana turned quickly in her arms and crashed their lips together desperately. Brittany was taken completely by surprise, but it didn't take long for her body to automatically react to her wife's onslaught. Her arms wrapped around Santana's tiny waist – it was a lot smaller than it had been seven weeks ago – and held her tight against her body. God, it felt exhilarating to have Santana's warmth against her again. Their lips moved easily against one another's, but there was still an element of nervousness, from both women. So much had happened, but the physical need for them to feel each other was dominating both their minds at that moment.

Brittany stepped forward, pressing Santana against the dresser, ensuring that their bodies were flush with each other. The sensation ripped a moan from her throat and Santana's tongue was quick to coax another one from her.

She could still feel Santana. She was kissing her wife, something she had definitely not expected to happen when she'd woken up that morning, but she wasn't complaining. She gave into her selfishness and greedily tangled her tongue with Santana's. It felt like she was alive again. Her body had a million electrical impulses firing everywhere. She was tingling from her toes to her ears and her heart was humming, it was beating so fast.

_Oh, God. I can't go this long without her again. She feels amazing._

She loved Santana. She loved her so fucking much and she wanted so desperately to show her just how much. But she couldn't. They weren't ready. Not yet. Brittany tried to slow their kisses down, but Santana just took control, pushing Brittany back to the bed and the blonde groaned at the feeling of her wife's full weight on top of her again. She'd missed it terribly.

Santana's kisses started leaving a trail of blazing heat down her neck and to her collarbone. Brittany involuntarily arched her body, her innate need for Santana almost overwhelming her. Santana's body was gone for a second and then it was back. And what Brittany felt when she pressed against her was almost enough to make her come. Her hands flew across her wife's naked back and sides, desperate to feel as much as possible as quickly as possible. She was still so afraid that everything was a dream and she'd be woken up at any moment.

Santana coaxed yet another moan from Brittany's throat as her hands slipped underneath her shirt, her intimate touch sending shivers rocketing throughout the blonde's body. Her mind didn't really register Santana gripping the bottom of her shirt until she felt the deliciousness of their naked skin against each other.

"Fuck," she moaned.

Santana just kissed her again. Brittany clung to her desperately, squeezing her eyes closed, feeling tears creeping down the sides of the face. It was so overwhelming. She felt amazing, but so scared at the same time. She couldn't go so long without feeling such intense love and passion for someone. She would die if Santana disappeared again. But how could she prevent that from happening again? She'd been trying so hard for seven weeks to draw Santana out of the dark place she'd been in and she had no idea how to keep her from going back. Was sex the answer? Feeling their souls entwined once more? Would it re-establish that connection that had been sorely missing?

Two more tears streamed down Brittany's face as she knew that she had to stop them. It wasn't right. They weren't ready to be so intimate with each other after being physically, emotionally and mentally apart for so long. That bridge needed to be properly repaired before they could fully appreciate the feeling of being together once more.

She didn't want to stop. God, especially when Santana curled her tongue just like that. But they had to.

"Santana," she breathed, trying to push her back. Her body was fighting her, though. Her body, like her heart and soul, wanted nothing more than to hold her wife close and never let her go. Her heart wanted to feel the pleasure and the passion and the love that she'd had to go without for what felt like years.

"Santana," she said again, more forcefully.

"Did I hurt you?" Santana asked in alarm, sitting up a bit.

"N-no," Brittany stammered, trying hard not to let the sight of an aroused and tousled Santana deter her from what needed to happen. "Um, we shouldn't…we c-can't do this now."

She swallowed hard at the hurt look that crossed her wife's eyes before Santana lifted herself from Brittany completely.

"O-of course." Santana grabbed her shirt and pulled it on hurriedly. "I-I mean, I don't blame you, I suppose."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know that you love me. I felt that. But it's okay if you're not attracted to me anymore. I mean, why would you be? We got married and then I disappeared. It's-"

"Santana, shut up!" Brittany snapped. She climbed off the bed and grabbed another shirt from the floor, pulling it on roughly. "God, this pity party has to stop right now. It's fucking annoying. You have nothing to feel sorry for. You made a mistake and we acknowledge that. But if you continue thinking that I'm not going to forgive you or that I don't love you or want you, then you're just giving that voice inside your head more ammunition to draw you back to wherever you were." She sighed. "If you weren't able to tell how much I still want you by what just happened, then I don't know if we can ever get back to the way we were. Santana, I need you back. I can't do this by myself. Well, I mean, I suppose I could if I had to, but that's not why we decided to have a baby. _We_ wanted a baby. The two of us, together, as a couple. I still want to share this amazing experience with you. With _my wife_. But if you're not going to try and lift yourself out of this depression, then I don't know if raising a baby around someone so…fragile would be the best decision. I hate that I have to think about things like that because you're supposed to be at my side while we do this together, but considering the last few weeks, I have to. I have to think about what's best for Bella and this little one." She rested her hand on her still flat stomach and rubbed it tenderly. "So the question is, Santana, are you willing to try?"

* * *

**A/N: Following chapters will be standard length. Should have another one posted tomorrow :)**

**-H**

**Twitter, Tumblr and Ask – hlnwst**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for the response to the prologue! I'm excited to take this journey with you guys :)**

**Here's where the first part of **_**ABL**_** really starts :) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(**

* * *

**CHAPTER 2**

Santana, by nature, wasn't a very nervous person. From a very young age, she'd been a confident character and hadn't been very shy to let people know it. When uncertainty had crept into her head and heart during junior year, she'd been at a loss at how to feel. She wasn't used to not understanding what was going on. Then again, Brittany had been disarming from the get-go. It was why her favourite blonde had always known a different, sweeter side to her. Her confidence had bred her into a bitch. That confidence had been her shield. Only one person had been able to break that shield, and Santana had married her.

Not even on her wedding day, had she been nervous. She'd been nervous the day Puck had kissed her. She'd been nervous the day she'd confessed her love for Brittany in front of their lockers. She'd been nervous the day she'd taken a pregnancy test. She'd been nervous as all hell during the first few weeks of Bella's life – no knowing if she was doing the right thing, or if she was going to ruin her baby's life forever.

Standing in front of her old apartment door, Brittany by her side, the nervousness energy was tingling throughout her body. Her wife was waiting for her to knock and Santana hated how long it was taking her to build up the courage. Brittany had been pretty mad, which meant that her mom was going to be livid. Santana wasn't sure she'd be able to handle that, especially after learning just how long she'd been…away.

_Happy birthday to me_, she thought ruefully.

_This is a good day in comparison_, the voice taunted.

"Shut up," Santana mumbled, squeezing her eyes shut. She refused to give into him again. Not again. Not after he'd robbed her of so much time with her family. She hadn't been there when Britt had found out she was pregnant. That was unforgiveable and it made Santana mad. Mad at herself, but mad nonetheless. That anger seemed to help in keeping the voice from taking over her thoughts again.

She felt familiar fingers enclose her fist, which was held tightly against her side, and immediately relaxed her hand. Brittany laced their fingers together and applied slight pressure. No words were exchanged, but Santana knew the simple gesture spoke volumes. Brittany wasn't going to do things for her, but she was there, at her side, for as long as it took for them to get to where they needed to be. The sentiment made Santana's heart swell with love for her wife and she felt a few tears escape and trickle down her cheeks.

"San?"

"I'm okay," she said quickly, nodding to convince Brittany. And maybe even herself. "I just…I really love you. And I'm so grateful that I have you next to me, even after-"

"We're not thinking about that right now," Brittany cut in firmly. "Right now, we're focusing on repairing some of the bridges you've burned these last few weeks."

Santana nodded again. She took a few breaths and lifted her left hand to the familiar wooden door.

_They may be mad, but they love you. You have an amazing family, and it's time to show them some gratitude for standing by you._

Not for the first time, the more dominant and positive voice in her head took on the melodic and soothing voice of her wife. It made her feel like Brittany was cheering her on internally and externally. Well, she had been the very definition of pep in the Cheerios. She'd made everything bearable.

"I can do this," she whispered.

Brittany squeezed her hand in response. Santana took another breath and rapped her knuckles against the door three times before dropping her hand by her side again. It didn't take long for the door to open and the surprised face of her mother was looking at her.

"_Hola, mami_," she said quietly, hating how she had to drop her gaze guiltily.

"Santana," Mari greeted after clearing her throat.

There was a brief silence where Santana was sure that Mari and Brittany were having some kind of silent conversation. The kind that they used to have…

_See? She's already found a replacement._

_Shut up. That's my mother, loser. That's gross and breaking about fifty federal laws, I'm sure_, Santana's internal Brittany responded.

It made her smile a little. She was truly, truly lucky to have found Brittany Susan Pierce.

"Would you like to come in?" Mari asked, stepping back and out of the doorway.

"Um, thank you." Santana stepped inside the apartment, Brittany close behind her. She looked around. Was she looking to see if anything had changed? Granted, she hadn't really paid much attention when Mari had moved in. Brittany had done most of the moving and organising. Bitterly, she realised that she'd already started slipping into her depression at that stage.

"_Abuela_, can we start-"

Santana's eyes flitted to the hallway where her daughter had cut off her own sentence and was staring her in shock. She swallowed. The nervous energy in her body multiplied exponentially. She regretted hurting Bella so much. It almost killed her to see the sadness and disappointment on flash across her face. Her heart started beating a little faster when an all too familiar one took centre stage.

"H-Hi," Santana offered weakly.

Bella just glared at her.

_Crap. This is gonna be hard. But I deserve it, so…_

"Um, I know that I have a lot to apologise for, Bella, but I wanted to say thank you for my birthday present. I should have said thank you then, and I'm sorry that I didn't. It really means a lot to me."

Bella folded her arms across her chest. "I don't think I want to give it to you anymore."

Santana blinked in surprise, but supposed that she could hardly blame Bella for her anger. She'd really fucked up.

"Okay," she said quietly. "Um, I understand that. Maybe one day, you'll want to give it to me again?"

Her daughter just remained quiet, the glare she'd inherited from Santana never wavering.

"Little B, you up for some ice cream?" Brittany suggested, letting go of Santana's hand and walking over to the girl.

"Who's going?" Bella asked suspiciously.

"Just you and me. I think Mama and _Abuela_ need to have some time to talk."

"Okay," she said, smiling at Brittany.

It made Santana's chest hurt to see Bella acting so carefree with Brittany and so cold with her. She knew she had some work ahead of her if she was going to have any hope of repairing her relationship with her daughter.

"We won't be long," Brittany said to both Santana and Maribel. She stepped closer to her wife. "You need to start somewhere, okay? Please try."

"I will," Santana vowed. "I promise."

"Good," Brittany replied with a smile. "We'll see you soon." She reached a hand for Bella to take and their daughter grabbed it immediately.

"Wait!" Santana requested.

Brittany paused and looked at her expectantly. Santana stepped closer and pressed a soft kiss against her cheek. She could feel the skin grow warmer underneath her lips and it made her heart pound for all the right reasons. She was going to make sure that she felt that a lot more in the coming weeks. It was just the kind of invigoration she wanted. It was the fuel that would light the fire inside her to make sure that she never went back to that dark place.

Santana pulled away and Brittany cleared her throat quietly, but the Latina could see the blush on her face clearly. It was so adorable.

"Thanks," Brittany whispered.

"I love you," Santana said with all the conviction she had. "And I'm never taking you for granted again." She paused to look down at their daughter who had a conflicted look on her face. "Both of you."

"I love you too, San," Brittany replied with a smile. "See you just now."

Santana nodded and stepped back to let them exit the apartment. Once the door closed behind them, she let out a long breath that she hadn't even realised she'd been holding.

"All right, _mija_. Let's have a talk."

* * *

Bella remained completely silent on the elevator ride down to the lobby. Brittany glanced at her and bit her lip. She'd never ever seen Bella look like that at anyone, let alone her mother.

"How you doing there, Little B?" she asked hesitantly as the elevator chimed open.

"I'm thinking," Bella replied, following Brittany out of the elevator.

"Okay, cool. Are we gonna have a quiet walk to the ice-cream stand?"

Her daughter just nodded and Brittany smiled. Santana didn't even know how often he got the same contemplative look on her face whenever she was thinking hard about something. Brittany had called her adorable because of it many, many times, and Santana had denied it at every turn. She didn't think that pointing out such a striking similarity between Bella and Santana would be the wisest decision at that moment, so she let it stew in her own mind.

The walk to the ice cream stand that they frequented was only a few blocks away and the attendant greeted them with a friendly smile.

"My two favourite ladies!" he said jovially. "Would you like your usual?"

"Yes please, Mitch," Brittany replied. "Busy day today?"

"Not so much yet. But it is still early afternoon. There's time."

Brittany chuckled and handed him some money.

"Is the little lady not feeling very talkative today?" Mitch enquired, adding a few pinches of chocolate chips to Brittany's ice cream.

Brittany bent down slightly and hoisted Bella onto her hip.

"Hi, Mitch," she said politely.

"Well, hello, Bella. Here's your specially unique Bella Bear Tub," Mitch said proudly, handing her a small tub with more topping than ice cream.

"Thanks. Have a good day, Mitch."

Brittany smiled at Bella as Mitch handed her tub of ice cream to her. "See you soon," she said before heading towards a bench a few yards away.

They ate in silence for a bit, Brittany waiting for Bella to break the silence. Over the last few weeks, she'd become very attune to how Bella's mind worked. It wasn't dissimilar to Santana, but Bella wasn't as cut and dry as Santana used to be. Bella allowed some grey area, whereas Santana had only seen black and white. Brittany liked to think she'd introduced her wife to some grey areas in the time they'd known each other.

"Mommy?" Bella eventually asked in a quiet voice.

"Yes, Little B?"

Bella moved the remaining chocolate chips in her tub around with her spoon. "Is Mama okay?"

Brittany sighed. "No, sweetie, she's not."

Bella looked up in alarm. "Is it because I was mad?"

"No, no. That's not the reason. I know she understands why you're mad. You're allowed to be mad at her, Bella. What she did was hurtful. But she knows that now and she's going to try and make it better."

"How can she make it better if she's not okay?"

Brittany pulled her mouth to one side as she thought. "You make a good point. Honestly, I don't know, Little B. What I do know is that even though she's hurt us a lot over the last few weeks, she's trying now and we need to be there to help her along the way."

Bella frowned and Brittany was alarmed to see tears springing to her eyes.

"Sweetie, you don't need to cry. We're gonna make sure that Mama gets better, okay?"

"It's n-not that. I don't want to be mad at her, Mommy. I've missed her _so_ much, but I f-feel like I should be. I feel like she hurt me and I want to hurt her back to show her what it felt like."

Brittany sympathised with her daughter. She knew that feeling all too well. Turning around briefly to toss their tubs into the trash can next to the bench they were sitting on, she easily pulled her daughter onto her lap. Her left arm supported Bella's back as she curled into the blonde, tucking her feet underneath her body. It probably didn't look very comfortable, but Brittany and Bella didn't care. It was how they cuddled and they'd had plenty of practice over the last few weeks.

"That's a feeling that you'll experience all too often, Little B," Brittany said softly. "It's like self-preservation. You know what that means?"

"Like you want to look after yourself?"

Brittany smiled proudly. Their little girl was so smart. "That's exactly right. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart, we tend to want to protect ourselves first and foremost."

"Not you, Mommy," Bella murmured, resting her head against Brittany's shoulder.

The blonde felt a huge surge of love for her daughter. "Sweetie, that means so much. Thank you." She pressed another kiss to Bella's forehead. "That's kind of what Mama was going through. When _Abuelo_ died, she felt like she was alone and that everyone was going to leave her. Her self-preservation mode kicked in and she just closed down. She shut everyone out because she thought she was protecting her heart."

"But…that doesn't make sense. We'd never leave Mama. She knows that, right?"

Brittany sighed. "She did, yes. And she does now too." She took a deep breath as she tried to simplify her wife's mental and emotional dilemma enough for their seven-year-old to understand. Bella was smart and deserved to know what Santana had been going through.

"She did know that we love her, Little B. Her sadness was just so big that it kind of overwhelmed her and it was all she could think about."

"Okay," Bella said slowly. "She doesn't feel alone now, though, right? I mean, you got her to get out of bed and go see _Abuela._"

"I haven't fixed her, Bella. She needs to fix herself. But that doesn't mean that we can't help."

"How can we do that?" Bella asked.

"I'm not sure," Brittany murmured, the cogs in her head starting to turn as she tried to think of ways that she could help Santana get past her depression. She didn't want to go the medicinal route and considering what happened the last time she sought professional help, she was very disinclined to go in that direction either.

"I miss _Abuelo_," Bella said with a heavy sigh. "And I miss Lima, too. It was nice seeing where you and Mama grew up."

The solution hit Brittany like a ton of bricks.

"Little B, you are a genius!" she exclaimed, turning the girl around in her lap.

"Duh," Bella replied automatically, but then she smiled. "Mommy, you have an idea face on!"

"That's because you, my super smart daughter, have given me the best idea of all ideas!"

"Is it gonna help Mama?"

"I think so, sweetie. I really think it could." Brittany whipped her phone from her pocket and hit her fourth speed dial.

* * *

Santana was seated on her mother's sofa with a cup of tea in her hands. It was probably cold, though. She'd been sitting there in silence for she didn't even know how long.

"Santana, how are you?" Mari asked for the fifth time.

She just frowned to herself and stared at the liquid in her cup. How did she answer that question? Truthfully, she wasn't even sure if she knew.

"I…I don't know," she eventually muttered.

"Well, it's certainly nice to see you up and about," Mari tried again.

Santana could only nod.

_Fuck, why is this so hard?_

_Because you know she's disappointed in you. She's ashamed of you for what you've done to Brittany and Bella. She sees your failures when Brittany can't._

Santana scowled and it made her mother frown in confusion.

"Santana, _qué pasa_?"

"I…" Santana's voice failed her as the words that floated around in her head felt like they couldn't come even close to describing what was wrong with her. Because that, in truth, was the crux of the matter. _She_ was what was wrong. She was the problem.

"_Mami_, I'm sorry," she burst out, shakily placing her cup on the coffee table in front of her and keeping her eyes down in shame. "I'm so sorry. I know I fucked up. I fucked up really badly and if you hate me, please just say so."

Mari was silent for a lot longer than Santana had wanted her to be silent for. She shut her eyes and willed herself not to cry. She didn't want to cry anymore. She didn't deserve to cry when it was her fault that she was in the whole mess to begin with.

She felt the cushions dip next to her and her mother's arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"Oh, Santana." Mari's voice was strained and the younger Latina could tell she was also trying not to cry. "_Mija_, I could never hate you. Never, ever. I may be disappointed in you at times, and I may not always agree with the decisions that you make, but there has never been a day that I have ever hated you. And there never _will_ be a day where I hate you. You are my blood, _mi familia_, and I love you with all my heart."

"Do you mean that?" Santana asked, daring to turn her head and meet her mother's gaze.

"_Si, si_. With all my heart."

"I love you too," Santana choked out. "I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I just…I'm sorry, _Mami_."

"Come here." Mari sat back and guided her daughter to rest her head in her lap.

Santana gratefully accepted the comfort Mari offered, relishing in the feeling of her mother's fingers running through her hair. She'd done the same thing on so many occasions, especially when Santana was younger.

"You know that we will all be here for you, _mija_. Brittany and Bella have been so worried about you all these weeks. Brittany was at a loss. She felt like she'd exhausted all of her options with you."

Santana swallowed, the familiar hurt bubbling in her chest. She knew all too well how close Brittany had come to giving up on her. She'd heard it in her voice when she was speaking to Quinn earlier. But she knew better now. Right? She knew that Brittany loved her unconditionally and was one hundred percent there for her.

Right?

"That woman loves you more than life itself," Mari murmured, continuing her ministrations with Santana's hair. "She has stuck by you through so much, as have you by her side. You two are truly soulmates. Your father and I both saw it back in senior year."

Santana's heart started to pick up its pace at the mention of her father. Guilt flooded her veins.

After a few minutes of silence, Mari broke it once more. "Santana, please tell me something. Anything?"

Santana froze, panic rising up in her. She knew that she didn't need to be afraid. Her mother loved her, even not knowing why she'd done what she'd done. She would understand. Right?

She sat up abruptly. "Um, I…I…air!" she suddenly blurted.

"_Qué_?" Mari asked, bewildered.

"I need air," Santana said, standing up quickly and heading for the door, ignoring her mother's calls.

She yanked the front door open and stumbled towards the elevator, clutching her chest. It felt like the air was being squeezed from her lungs.

_What's happening? Am I dying?_

_I'd buy front seat tickets to that show._

_Shut up! God, you're an asshole._

_Technically, you're calling yourself an asshole. And there are two different voices in her head that aren't even your own voice. So what does that say about you, huh?_

Santana fisted the front of her shirt, hoping somehow that it would allow more space in her chest for her to breathe. She glanced to the right of the elevator and made her way to the stairs. She pushed the door open and managed to climb down to the mezzanine before curling up into a ball in the corner. She desperately tried to think of the good things she'd remembered earlier to keep the alluring voice at bay. She didn't want to go back there.

She wasn't alone. There was no more darkness. Brittany was her light. Bella was her light. She just needed to focus on them.

_Good luck with that, Santana._

* * *

"So when do we leave?" Bella asked excitedly, as the elevator took them back up to Mari's floor.

"Hopefully tomorrow morning," Brittany said with a grin. "I just have to wait for Quinn to get back to me about available flights."

"Cool."

The blonde smiled down at the bubble of energy that she'd missed having around. "You wanna tell Mama about it?"

Bella looked up with worry in her eyes. "You're sure she won't be mad for me being mad?"

"No, sweetie. Remember, she said she was sorry about not accepting your birthday gift?"

Bella nodded. "She said that I could give it to her again."

"She did."

"I don't know if I want to, Mommy."

Brittany knelt down next to her. "I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, Bella. You'll know in your heart if or when you want to give your pillow to Mama. If you decide not to, that's okay. If you decide you want to at a later stage, that's okay too. This is going to be a learning process for all of us. We need to find a way to work as a family again, with all three of us."

"Yeah. Okay, cool. Your idea is really good, Mommy."

"Thanks, Little B."

The elevator opened and Bella bounded out, heading straight for Mari's door which, to Brittany's surprise, was open.

"Hello?" she called, peeking inside.

"Brittany! Oh, thank heavens. I was just about to call you."

"What happened?" Brittany asked immediately.

"I…I think I pushed her too far. I said things that I probably shouldn't have and-"

"Mari, don't worry about what you should or shouldn't have said," Brittany cut in gently, placing a hand on her folded arm. "What's done is done. How long ago did she leave?"

"Not long. Maybe a few minutes?"

"Okay. I'll go and look for her." Brittany bent down. "Little B, stay with _Abuela_, okay?"

Bella nodded and held Mari's hand. "Mommy, is Mama okay?"

Brittany bit her lip. She'd lost count of how many times Bella had asked her that same question over the last few weeks. "I'm not sure, but I'm gonna find out. Tell _Abuela_ about our plan."

"Okay. Love you, Mommy."

Brittany pulled her daughter into a tight. "Love you more, Little B. I'll be back soon."

Giving Bella one last smile, she stood up and headed for the door. She pulled it closed behind her and surveyed the hallway in front of her. She doubted Santana had taken the elevator anywhere because both had been on the ground floor when she and Bella returned from their ice cream outing. Mari had said that she hadn't been gone long.

Brittany eyed the door to the stairs and walked steadily towards it. She pulled it open and her eyes immediately zeroed in on her wife curled up against the wall one flight down. Carefully, she descended the steps and sat on the last one, reaching her hand out towards Santana.

"San?"

Her head jerked up and watery brown eyes locked on hers.

"Britt," she breathed. "You're here."

Brittany slid off the step and next to Santana. She was a little wary of comforting her with touch, not sure if she'd regressed back into anything.

"Of course," she murmured. "I'm always here, San."

Her wife unfurled her arms and threw them around Brittany. The blonde hadn't been anticipating such a reaction and almost fell over with the sudden weight in her arms. That lasted all of a second before she was securely holding Santana to her.

"You're safe, baby. I've got you."

"I'm sorry, Britt," Santana mumbled. "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are. I believe that you're sorry, Santana. You need to believe it too. Once you do, you'll be able to stop saying it so much."

Santana was still shaking a bit, but she pulled back and stared into blue eyes. "How are you so wonderful? After everything I did to you, you're still here."

"I love you, Santana. That's all the reason I need to be by your side. I think you're starting to realise just how bad things got and it's okay to be upset by that. But you can't let that get the best of you. You can't let that voice tell you that being sad is all you're going to feel or whatever." She grimaced. "Sorry, that sounded insensitive."

"It's okay. I know what you meant. You have every right to be a little bitter. I guess I would be too."

"I'm not bitter, San. I'm frustrated because I don't understand."

Santana nodded and sighed, resting her forehead against Brittany's. "I want you to understand. I really do, B, but I need to understand it myself first."

"Okay, that's fine. I'm just happy that you know you need to understand it. It's a step in the right direction, San."

"I want to be better. For you, for Bella…" she trailed off and looked down. "For our baby."

Brittany could feel Santana's hands grip her neck just a little tighter.

"I'm gonna be mean for a bit now," Brittany whispered, coaxing Santana's gaze back to hers. Brown eyes widened in worry. "Well, I guess mean is a little extreme. Maybe you could look at it as an incentive."

Santana nodded. "I'm not allowed to touch your stomach until you understand?"

"Well, maybe not completely understand. I think there's probably a lot going on that maybe you don't even know about. We can work out a goal for you. How does that sound?"

The Latina sighed and a small smile crossed her face. "That sounds perfect."

"Great. I have the perfect place for us to start this road to recovery." Brittany was more sure than ever that her plan was what they needed at that time in their lives.

"We're going away?" Santana asked in confusion.

"Yes, but it's to a place we know very well. We're going back to where this all started."

Santana swallowed and fear clouded her eyes. She shook her head slightly before a weak determination came across her features. "Okay, Britt. Let's go back to Lima."

* * *

**A/N: And so the healing process begins, Brittany Lopez style ;)**

**Quick note – this will be another slow burn. Most of you know that's how I roll ;) This healing process is gonna be long and it's gonna difficult. But Brittana is endgame and will always be endgame :) Santana's recovery isn't going to be the whole story. Once that arc is done, more exciting things await our favourite family :)**

**Any cover art designs would be appreciated :) Just putting it out there.**

**-H**

**Twitter, Tumblr and Ask – hlnwst**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. There have been electrical and interweb issues here for the WHOLE WEEK. Better late than never, right? :p**

**There appears to be some tension about how I'm portraying Santana. By no means am I victimising Brittany and making Santana out to be the big baddy. At the other end of the scale, there are some who think Brittany is acting unfairly and not supporting Santana. Please remember that there was a jump of seven weeks. I've only hinted at what happened in those seven weeks. The healing process will delve into that with great detail in the coming chapters, and what happened will explain why it appears that Santana and Brittany are acting the way they are. **

**Glad to finally be back in the fanfic world :)**

**-H**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(**

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

"Are you okay to go back?" Brittany asked quietly, not removing her arms from around Santana.

Her wife lifted her head from her shoulders and sighed. "I can't hide away with you forever, can I?" she murmured.

Brittany smiled and turned to kiss Santana softly. "I would love nothing more than to whisk you away from everything that you feel like you can't deal with. But we don't live in a fairytale, unfortunately, and there's a little girl that would miss us terribly if we left her behind."

Santana leaned back and looked the blonde in the eye. Brittany's heart started beating faster at the intensity of that stare. She tried to gauge what Santana was thinking through her eyes, something she'd been able to do flawlessly a few weeks before, but all she saw was a war of emotions.

"What?" she eventually murmured.

"I'm going to make sure you have the fairytale you've always wanted, B. I promise that I'm going to do whatever it takes."

"Oh, San. That really means so much to me. I can't even tell you how much it means." She pulled Santana closer to her again and breathed her in, letting her head spin with the familiar scent of Santana. Pure Santana. God, she'd missed it.

"When are we leaving?" Santana murmured, her fingers stroking Brittany's hair.

"Hopefully tomorrow. Quinn's going to call me with details."

She felt the nervous energy flowing through her wife again.

"What is it, San?"

"A-Are they…I mean, do they…" She took a frustrated breath and pressed her face into Brittany's neck again.

"You don't need to be embarrassed, baby," Brittany said quietly. "They're our friends so I've told them all that I've known. Which," she admitted, "hasn't been very much. But until _we_ have worked through this a little more, I'm happy to keep it between us. Unless you want to tell them?"

Santana shook her head. "For now, I just need you."

The simple statement punched Brittany in the gut and almost made the last seven weeks disappear. Her vows came back to her and she squeezed her eyes closed, a single tear trickling down her cheek.

"You have me," she whispered. "You will _always_ have me, Santana."

They sat on the level between the seventh and sixth floors of their building for a few more minutes until Brittany felt like she had herself under a little more control. Slowly, she coaxed Santana to stand up. In turn, her wife helped her up as well. For a few moments, they stared at each other, fingers intertwining.

"You're so beautiful," Santana barely whispered.

Brittany blushed. She couldn't describe how amazing and warm she felt to hear her wife say such things after not hearing them for what felt like years.

"I know that I am the luckiest woman in the world to still have you by my side, and I promise that I am going to do what is necessary to never make you doubt your decision to be with me again."

"No, San-"

Santana stepped closer and cut her off by nuzzling her nose softly against Brittany's cheek, rendering her completely speechless. How did she do that, after being absent for so long? How did she just seemingly flip a switch and Brittany turn into goo with the simplest of touches?

"B, I messed up," she whispered, her breath fluttering against Brittany's cheek. "I accept that. I need to show you, Bella and myself that _this_ is where I should be. This is where I need to be. I need to be where you are." Her hand dropped to her wife's flat stomach. "I need to be where _all_ of you are, not somewhere inside my head where it's just…crap."

"We'll get through it together, honey. That's what a family does. That's what I will always do to ensure that we have our future."

"Our fairytale," Santana affirmed.

Brittany nodded. "Our fairytale."

* * *

Santana found herself once again standing outside her mother's door, her body shaking slightly from nervousness. Her mother had been so sincere in assuring Santana that she didn't hate her, that she was going to always be there for her. Just like Brittany. She _knew_ they were going to be there. She knew they weren't going to abandon her; they weren't going to leave her.

So why was she so petrified that they would? That at any moment, they would turn around, give her a disdainful look and disappear forever?

"San," Brittany murmured, squeezing her hand.

"I…I know…I just…"

"It's going to be okay."

_That's what you think._

Santana squeezed her eyes closed so tightly that she saw white spots dancing in front of her.

_Get out, get out, get out! _she yelled mentally.

"We'll get him out, babe," Brittany whispered in her ear, her free arm wrapping around Santana's waist.

She opened her eyes and tried to take slow breaths. Evidently, she'd said that part out loud. Or maybe Brittany just knew her too well.

_That's a good thing_, her inner Brittany said in the heavenly soft voice that Santana could fall asleep to. She'd missed that.

And if _she'd_ missed it in her fucked up state of mind, there was no telling just how much her beautiful wife had missed her.

"I've missed us," she said suddenly and boldly, turning in Brittany's arms. "And I know that you've missed us more." She swallowed, her heart hammering nervously. "I…I agree that we should wait…to be i-intimate again."

Brittany just smiled and nodded. "We'll know when it's time, San. Until then, you'll just have to make do with my sweet lady kisses."

Santana giggled softly. "I think that's probably the best birthday gift ever."

The blonde cocked her head. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"Um…" She was at a loss. Santana sighed. "I want to just be with you. I want to know what happened, what I did or didn't do in those seven weeks. I need you to tell me what I've got to make up for."

"San, you don't-"

"Britt, yes. I do have to make up for it. I don't know how I'm going to make up for being here but not being here. I…" She swallowed again, the large lump in her throat making it painful. Tears gathered in her eyes. "I missed the day you found out you were pregnant. That was something that was so incredibly important to both of us and I _missed_ it."

Brittany was quiet and Santana knew it's because she had no idea what to say. She couldn't refute it because it was the truth. She looked deep into Brittany's eyes before leaning forward and kissing her hard.

"I will make this right," she said against her wife's lips.

"I know," Brittany breathed, turning her face so that she pressed her lips against Santana's cheek. "I know."

The brunette took a deep breath, turned around and knocked firmly on the door.

"_Mija_," Maribel breathed in relief. "I'm so sorry-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Santana cut her off gently. "You were just being your usual wonderful self. It was me who overreacted." She stepped inside the apartment, Brittany close behind her. Their hands were still linked. "_Mami_, it's going to take…I mean, I know I have a lot that I need to tell you, but before I do that, I need to understand it myself first. Britt seems to think that going back to Lima will help with that. And I think she may be right. That's where this started so I guess going back to the root cause is the best place to start."

Maribel nodded. "Bella gave me a very brief overview of the plan. Are you going to be all right by yourselves there?"

"We're never by ourselves, Mari," Brittany said with a smile. "At least not in Lima. We'll never be alone in Lima. Lio's there."

Santana's chest immediately constricted and she gasped at the sudden shortness of air in her body. She felt her legs tremble.

"Baby?" Brittany asked in concern, putting her arm around Santana's waist.

"I'm okay. I'm okay," she said quietly. "Sorry, it's just…I…I don't think I've fully processed that he…"

"Okay, we don't have to talk about that now," her wife whispered. "You've made a lot of progress today and I'm just glad that we're taking steps in the right direction."

Santana nodded, but part of her felt the urge to just lay it all out there. Of course, the mess that was going on in her head would make zero sense, she knew that.

_Baby steps_, her Brittany voice told her.

"Baby steps," she murmured.

"Not yet, babe," Brittany said sweetly with a kiss to the cheek.

Santana felt her heart lighten at the vision she'd painted for herself when they'd started talking about expanding their family. In her mind, she saw a very pregnant Brittany dancing around their apartment with no one by their baby, humming softly along with the music. Santana remembered her dream self just watching in pure awe at the most _perfect_ memory.

Well, it wasn't a memory.

Not yet, at least.

"I'm ready!" Bella announced, walking into the living room.

Santana's throat went dry, remembering the last encounter with her daughter.

"H-Hi," she stammered.

Bella gave her a small smile. "Hi."

The Latina let out a huge sigh of relief. "Hi," she said again, with a much bigger smile.

The little girl giggled. "Hi, Mama."

_God, I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world. How could I have ever thought that some stupid self-wallowing was better than _this_?_

Slowly disengaging her fingers from Brittany's, she knelt down. Bella stepped forward slowly, her eyebrows going up in curiosity and apprehension. Santana had seen the look often enough to know what it meant.

"Bella. My baby girl. I need you to know that I'm so very sorry about what's been happening the last few weeks. I know that you and Mommy have been hurting and I know that I'm the reason." She swallowed, feeling her body heat up in nervousness and shame. "I…I just want you to know that I hope we can fix us."

Bella just looked at her for a long few moments before her gaze darted upwards. It sent an ice cold knife through Santana's gut. The baby she'd spent virtually every moment over the last seven years with didn't know how to talk to her.

Just how much had she really fucked things up with Bella? Sure, Britt was a little more understanding and forgiving, but how was she supposed to explain to their seven-year-old what had happened without completely confusing her?

Hell, maybe once she understood it, she could simplify it for Bella.

"I just miss you, Mama," Bella said quietly.

"Oh, I know," Santana replied, nodding as tears trickled down her cheeks. Dammit, she was so tired of crying. "I miss you too, baby girl. I get that you're probably a little confused about what to do or say-" Bella nodded slightly, "but maybe after a few days or weeks in Lima, we'll be able to get a little bit back of what we used to have."

Bella nodded again, more confidently. "So you're okay with Mommy's plan?"

Santana stood up, relaxing when she felt Brittany's arm go around her waist again. "I think Mommy's a genius, and this plan is simply another example of that."

She was rewarded with a soft kiss on her cheek, which made her blush. She ducked her head and only lifted it when she heard her mother sigh audibly.

"This is good. This is right. This is how it's supposed to be," Maribel murmured, smiling.

"Agreed," Brittany said, pulling Santana closer to her.

"Mommy, are we going home now?" Bella asked.

"I think that we should," the blonde replied, keeping one arm firmly around her wife and held out her hand. Bella grabbed it enthusiastically, swinging it slightly.

"I-If you guys had plans, I don't want-"

"Our plans are with _you_," Brittany cut in firmly. "No arguments, birthday girl."

Santana clamped her mouth shut. Brittany's serious face broke out into a smile and she pecked her lips. "Come on! We've got lots to do."

The brunette just smiled, letting her wife pull her out of her mother's apartment. Seeing Brittany so happy made her feel like she could get through whatever the heck she was dealing with if it meant that smile would remain on that beautiful, flawless face.

* * *

"I saw this on TV once," Brittany said as she fried up thin slivers of chicken fillets.

"Are you gonna try and toss them?" Santana asked worriedly.

The blonde sent her an incredulous look. "Like I would risk burning down this amazing apartment. No, but I _am_ gonna make us the cutest burgers ever in the world."

Santana giggled from where she'd been ordered to remain seated while Brittany cooked lunch.

"Burgers aren't cute, Mommy!" Bella protested from the sink where she carefully washed some lettuce.

"Psssh. You haven't seen my burgers."

_Maybe not, but them buns are definitely something to write home about._

Santana clamped a hand over her mouth, even though the thought had happened in her head. Brittany arched an amused eyebrow at her, but didn't say anything.

_I can't be thinking stuff like that! _she thought in a panic.

_Why not? She's your insanely hot wife! _anothervoice chimed in.

Why did that voice sound like Rachel?

_Yes, but we're…taking things slow._

_Is this what being in the dog box is like? You can look but not touch?_

_I'm not in the dog box_, Santana argued with herself. She suddenly realised what she was doing. _Oh, God. I really am going crazy. Not only am I arguing with myself, but I'm agreeing with the other me. Or whatever that is. At least that asshole seems to be taking a break._

_Who, me?_

Santana groaned internally. She rubbed her temples with her index fingers and slowly opened her eyes. The sight in front of her immediately drove all the voices from her conscience. Brittany and Bella were dancing around the kitchen, singing _Dance With Somebody_.

She felt tears spring to her eyes, but she welcomed them. They were happy tears, not frustrated or embarrassed tears.

_I am the luckiest woman in the world_, she mused to herself. _There is no way I can disappear from this. Never again._

She knew Brittany wouldn't leave her and would love her unconditionally. She knew Bella would always love her too. It was ingrained in her DNA to love Brittany, so that was never going to change. The challenge ahead was _believing_ that they could have their fairytale, that she could make things better for them.

That she could make them a family again.

"You just gonna sit there?" Brittany asked with a smirk, shaking her hips subtly.

Santana stared at the movement, all manner of memories flying through her head. It settled on one very special night where her then-fiancée had given her a very, very special private dance.

"I…uh…um…"

Brittany laughed and Santana couldn't help but smile. It was as infectious as it had ever been. She held out a hand, which the brunette eventually mustered up the courage to take. She realised how nervous she was. Nervous to dance with Britt? Seriously? She'd never been apprehensive about _that_ in her life.

"Hey."

Santana lifted her eyes and met crystal blue ones that immediately increased her heart rate and made her smile.

"I know we're in a process," Brittany murmured as Bella continued singing in the background. "And I know that we're taking things slow." She took a breath. "I've missed you so much and even though I have most of you back, it's enough for now. Just being able to do this-" she pulled Santana flush against her, "just to be able to _feel_ you again, is such a wonderful experience."

Santana swallowed and nodded. "Can we…Can we have today?" she asked quietly.

Brittany pulled back slightly and cocked her head in confusion.

"I-I-I know that I don't deserve it because of my behaviour, but just for today, before we…before I start to actually deal, can we pretend that things are like they used to be?"

"San, I don't-"

"Britt, please," she begged. "Just until we go to bed tonight. Please?" she added in a whisper.

She felt her wife's steady heartbeat increase slightly against her own chest. "Okay."

"Really?"

Brittany nodded and smiled her sweet smile. "Happy birthday, San." She leaned down and captured Santana's lips in a kiss that the Latina felt down to her toes and right back up her entire body.

She gasped as Brittany disconnected their lips. "Wow," she breathed.

Brittany's giggle was heavenly and she dropped her hands to Santana's hips, coaxing them to sway with hers.

"_Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade_," Brittany sang softly, starting from the beginning for her wife's benefit.

Santana giggled herself and linked her hands around the back of Brittany's neck, fully allowing the blonde to manipulate their bodies in a practised dance.

"_I need a woman who'll take a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last_," Brittany continued her soft singing, dipping Santana low, supporting her easily.

It was a dance they knew so well. They knew their bodies intimately, so intimately that they moved with one another with thought. But also, their bodies moved _for_ them. They were hardwired to each other. It was Fate, out of their hands.

_This is what I need to remember. This is what I need to remind me that there is _nothing_ in this world that I love and treasure more than my beautiful wife and our beautiful daughter._

"_Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me_," Brittany sang.

"_Oh, I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody_," Santana joined in, biting the bullet and not caring how nervous she was. Her singing voice cracked a little from weeks of not being used, but she saw Bella stop her dancing and stare up at her with wide eyes and a disbelieving smile.

"Mama," she whispered.

"_Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me_," Santana continued, reaching out a hand to Bella, hoping to whomever was out there that she would take it. If she did, Santana would be allowed a few precious hours to feel what things should be like with them as a family, instead of the awkward mess she'd created in her absence.

Even if it was pretend, it was better than living with her mind. Being with Britt and Bella, dancing, singing and just having a shit load of fun meant that the stupid voice in her head didn't have anything bad to comment on. Her two favourite people were overwhelming and kept her mind busy, which meant no time for that fucker.

She just needed to keep it like that.

Bella's small hand slipped inside her own and it made Santana's heart do somersaults – a different kind to what Britt made her heart do.

"Oh, crap! The chicken!" Brittany squealed, rushing to the stove.

"Dance with me, Mama!"

Santana smiled and obliged. If it were possible, Bella had gotten even better since the last time she'd seen her dance, which was at the wedding. God, that had been over two months ago. She'd completely missed out on the beginning of their life together.

_So you're just gonna brush off your father's death like it was nothing?_

Santana froze, swallowing her guilt. The words rang in her head, echoing around like they had been every day. He could feel the darkness started to ebb ever closer to the bright light that was her family.

_No, no, no. Go away! Stay away! I don't want you anymore!_

"Mama?" Bella asked quietly.

"I-I-I'm sorry," she stuttered, dropping her daughter's hand out of surprise.

The hurt look on Bella's face brought her crashing back to her current reality – the reality where she was spending a wonderful afternoon with her family. She wasn't about to let her problems rob her of the chance.

"Bella, baby girl, I'm sorry," she whispered, kneeling down. "I just…I didn't mean to drop your hand."

"But you did," Bella replied quietly, looking down. Her hands started wringing each other.

Santana gently covered them with her left hand and her eye caught the beautiful ring adorning her finger. Determination swelled in her chest. She picked Bella up, who squealed in surprise.

"_I've been in love and lost my senses, spinning through the town. Sooner or later, the fever ends and I wind up feeling down_," she sang strongly, loving the bright smile that quickly grew across Bella's face.

She started doing a little jig around the kitchen with Bella in her arms and shivered when she felt familiar hands wrap around her waist from behind. Brittany settled her hips right behind Santana's ass and the Latina had to stop herself from moaning at the feeling of them fitting together so perfectly.

Bella giggled as Santana held her in front of her, swinging her subtly as they all danced together. She knew what she wanted. She knew where she was meant to be, and it was always snuggled between the two most important people in the world to her.

She wasn't going to let them down again.

* * *

Santana giggled as Brittany and Bella let out simultaneous yawns, the latter being a lot more vocal with hers.

"Geez, is there something inside you trying to get out?" Brittany teased, reaching over to tickle Bella's stomach.

Their little girl's giggle made Santana sigh happily. They'd spent a wonderful lunch sitting around their table and talking about Lima.

"Tell me a story!" she begged.

Santana glanced at her wife, who was looking decidedly sleepy.

"Baby, do you want to go to bed?" she asked quietly.

Britt's eyes, which had been drooping slightly, shot open and her mouth curled into a bashful smile.

"What?" Santana asked with a matching smile.

"It's just…I didn't realise how much I've missed that until I heard it," Brittany whispered, biting her lip.

Santana didn't let the pang of guilt overwhelm her. She accepted that she had a lot to make up for, but Brittany wasn't trying to make her feel bad about calling her baby. She was happy about it, which meant that Santana was happy about it.

"Mommy, do you want a nap?" Bella asked.

"Actually, that sounds pretty spectacular, Little B."

"Okay. Mama and I will help, right?"

"Absolutely," Santana confirmed, standing up and holding a hand out to her wife.

Brittany looked at it for a few seconds before smiling and taking it, allowing Santana to pull her up.

"You'd better get used to doing that," she whispered in Santana's ear.

Butterflies flew around in her stomach. "I can't wait."

And she couldn't. Not only was she working on getting herself better for Brittany and Bella, but they had a new addition that would probably arrive sooner than expected. She'd found that with Bella. No matter how much preparation she'd done, it never felt like enough. She was determined to be the best person she could be for their _whole_ family.

Brittany lanced their fingers together as they made their way towards their bedroom. Bella held the blonde's hand on the other side.

"Mommy, you're not sick, are you?" Bella asked in concern.

"No, Little B. I'm not sick. I'm just feeling like I could use an afternoon nap."

Santana's eyes widened slightly. Bella didn't know that Brittany was pregnant? Her frown eased when she locked onto a pair of crystal blue eyes.

"I wanted to tell you first," Brittany whispered in her ear.

_Wow._ Santana just nodded, biting her lip to keep the big grin off her face. Not that it helped.

They walked into the bedroom and Bella immediately went to the small window and pulled the curtain open, letting in some light. Santana realised that it was probably the first time in a long time that any natural light had entered the room.

Once again, she didn't allow the negativity of that thought to weigh her down. Her focus was on her beautiful and _pregnant_ wife. God, that sounded so amazing.

"Bella, will you go and get Mommy a bottle of water?" Santana asked, seating a tired Brittany on the edge of their unmade bed.

"Okay!" And off she bounded.

Santana took a moment to reflect on just how similar their daughter was to her wife. Uncanny, really.

"You gonna have your wicked way with me?" Brittany teased in a tired voice.

Santana chuckled. "No good luck until we're in a good, comfortable space," she replied, _hating_ that they had to wait.

"Boo, two thumbs down."

"You're cute," she replied, bopping the blonde's nose. "Come on, jeans off."

"You are trying to have your wicked way with me," Brittany mumbled, flopping back on the bed and lifting her legs up so that Santana could pull her shorts off.

It took a _lot_ of willpower not to let her fingers trace along the smooth skin of her wife's toned legs. She bit her lip at the glimpse of Brittany's red panties. Her favourite colour.

_Ugh, this is torture._

Santana climbed on the bed next to her and coaxed Brittany upwards so that she was resting on the pillows.

"Thanks, babe," she murmured, her eyes finally fluttering closed.

"Here you go!" Bella announced, re-entering the room. She clamped her mouth closed when she saw Brittany almost asleep.

"Thanks, baby girl," Santana whispered. "You can put that on the nightstand for Mommy when she wakes up.

"Sleep with me," Brittany mumbled, fumbling for Santana's hand.

The Latina smiled and positioned herself so that her head was resting on Brittany's stomach. Her wife's fingers threaded through her hair and Santana hummed in pleasure.

"Mama?"

Santana lifted her head slightly and saw Bella's questioning gaze.

"You wanna come up?"

She nodded.

"Okay, jump!"

Bella jumped onto the bed and Santana held her arm while she climbed up. Her little girl crawled over to them and took Brittany's other hand, resting on her knees as she watched her mother slumber soundly.

_Is the pregnancy tiring her out already? _Santana thought in a panic as her eyes followed where Bella was looking.

_Maybe you're tiring her out. Maybe she's exhausted from looking after you. Maybe she's barely on her feet because she's had to look after Bella, care for her unborn child _and_ worry about you._

Santana frowned at the voice. It was possible that her behaviour had contributed to Brittany being tired, but she wasn't going to just assume that and allow the guilt to consume her once more.

She had a family and that family needed her. She needed them a billion times more, but they were pretending, and the old Santana would do anything and everything to make sure that her girls had what they needed when they needed it.

The new Santana would do the same. She needed to get rid of her baggage, aka The Voice, and move forward with Bella, Brittany and their little jewel.

Sighing, Santana closed her eyes and rested her head on Brittany's stomach again. Her right hand lay next to her head and she delighted in how it softly rose with Brittany's every breath. She focused her hearing on the little being inside her wife's tummy, but couldn't hear anything but the resounding and familiar thud of Brittany's heartbeat.

"Mama?"

Santana lifted her head again. "Yes, baby girl?"

Bella looked down shyly.

"You can tell me," she encouraged.

"Can I…um…can I…lay with you?"

Santana smiled widely, her heart soaring at the request. "Of course you can, baby girl. I would love nothing more."

"Okay," Bella replied with a relieved smile, carefully climbing over her sound asleep mother.

Santana scooted backwards a little so that there was space for Bella to curl up in front of her. The littlest Lopez also rested her head on Brittany's tummy and sighed in contentment. It made Santana blissfully happy to hear that, especially when she considered how she'd made Bella cry that very morning.

And who knew how many times over the last seven weeks.

Santana was brought back to the present when she felt her daughter grab the hand that was resting next to her head and pull it around her little body, anchoring them together. Tears sprang to her eyes. How was her daughter so forgiving?

"I'm so lucky," she found herself whispering.

"Why?" Bella whispered back, not turning around. She was playing with Santana's fingers, something the elder Latina absolutely adored.

Santana shuffled forward so that Bella was pressed into her body. She kissed the top of her head and inhaled a little. The familiar scent of peppermint flooded her mind. She loved how her baby girl always smelled like peppermint.

"I'm so lucky that I have the world's most amazing daughter," Santana said quietly with the most sincerity she could muster. She needed Bella to believe her.

"I'm like that cos you made me that way, Mama," Bella replied, like they were discussing the weather.

"Oh, Bella," Santana choked out, making sure to keep her voice down so she didn't wake Brittany. "I'm so, so sorry about what's been happening over the last few weeks. I know you're mad at me and that's absolutely fine."

Bella turned quickly in her mother's arms and rubbed her face against Santana's chest. "I know you miss him, Mama. We miss Abuelo lots too."

Santana nodded, trying hard to keep the tears in. "I do. I miss him _so_ much, baby girl."

Bella was quiet for a moment, just cuddling into Santana, who didn't mind at all.

"Mommy explained it to me a little. She said that it would be like someone taking you or Mommy away from me suddenly. That made me really sad and I thought that she could maybe tell the future because you did go away, which made me _really_ sad, but now you're back and that makes me really happy." She lifted her big dark eyes to matching ones. "You are back, right?"

Santana took a shaky breath. "I'm here for as long as you want me." She leaned down and kissed Bella's forehead.

Her daughter grinned. "Forever," she said firmly.

"Forever," Santana agreed, pulling Bella tightly to her. "I just want to tell you, Bella, that these next few weeks could be really hard. For all of us. Even though I may get really sad or maybe even a little mad, I will _never_ stop loving you or your mom. I need you to know that."

"I know," Bella replied simply, sighing deeply. "I think Mommy's plan is going to work, though. We're going to be a proper family again."

* * *

**A/N: I am by no means a psychologist, nor have I dealt with severe depression. But I am a human being and I understand how my mind works. I have – and still do – suffered bouts of depression. If you feel that I am grossly off target with the portrayal of this, I can completely understand that. I am open to suggestions. I do believe that every person experiences it differently. But let us also remember that this is fan**_**fiction**_**.**

**All updates will happen on a Monday, for those who missed my Tumblr post about it :) Still working on the last part of my novel, but I did say that I will be back in March, so here I am, albeit a few days late ;p**

**Okay, enough talking. I did promise myself that my A/Ns would be shorter and sweeter this year :)**

**-H**

**Tumblr, Twitter, Ask – hlnwst**


End file.
